Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
