my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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