Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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