im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
