Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
