I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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