I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
