the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
