you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious