Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.