If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted