i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
