It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
