YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
