I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
