My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
