I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
