I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
