So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
