you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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