just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
