a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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