You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
