Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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