if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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