everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
