i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
