That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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