oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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