i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
