When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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