After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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