Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
