You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
