I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
