This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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