there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
