Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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