He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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