over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
