there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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