New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
