alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
