y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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