his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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