Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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