So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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