Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
