I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
