On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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