I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
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She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
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rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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