it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Randomize
