Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
