She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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