my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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