Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
