Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
