I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
