Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
