he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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