anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
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the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
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My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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