I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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