OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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